"What's the purpose of your travels?" The US Border Services agent said as he studied my mug shot of a photo in my new passport that had arrived only a couple weeks ago.
"I'm going hiking in Patagonia."
"Alone?"
"Yes, just me."
"Do you have a guide or a group booked?"
"No, I'm doing it myself."
"So you are just going to hike off into the mountains of Argentina by yourself?"
"That's the plan."
"Well good luck with that." He said as he shook his head in disbelief.
He thought I was absolutely nuts. I could feel the familiar trickle of insecurity and self-doubt rise up through my chest and into my throat as I walked off to my gate. No time for thoughts like these, it's settled and I'm going, I reassured myself.
The morning before setting off on the trail I was a pile of nerves. Chain smoking cheap South American cigarettes, I checked over my pack, 1, 2, 3 times even though I knew I had everything I needed for five days in the mountains: this wasn't my first rodeo backpacking. But I was procrastinating and afraid.
That's the thing about me and fear, it's not that I have none or am that I am a particularly brave individual. This genuinely scared the shit out of me. I could feel my stomach up in my throat and was visibly shaking as I strung up the laces of my hiking boots that morning. Not the signs of a brave girl who marches off into the mountains in a foreign country confidently, as much as I'd like everyone to believe that.
I think I've come to realize I just genuinely enjoy the feeling of being uncomfortable. That edgy uneasiness taking up 100 percent of my thoughts. It might be in part because I've never felt so present, so consumed by nerves there is nothing else on my mind but my current reality. Why is it you feel most alive when your heart skips a few beats?
And then here I find myself. Sitting on top of a mountain, head to the sky actually laughing out loud. Thinking to myself, well shit, I did it.
And that's the real reason why I'll keep seeking out that life on the edge, where comfort lines are totally crossed. Because at the end of it all, I get to march out of the mountains feeling stronger, tougher and taller then ever.